CHAPTER IX. On Gentleness towards Ourselves.

ONE important direction in which to exercise gentleness, is with
respect to ourselves, never growing irritated with one’s self or one’s
imperfections; for although it is but reasonable that we should be
displeased and grieved at our own faults, yet ought we to guard against
a bitter, angry, or peevish feeling about them. Many people fall into
the error of being angry because they have been angry, vexed because
they have given way to vexation, thus keeping up a chronic state of
irritation, which adds to the evil of what is past, and prepares the
way for a fresh fall on the first occasion. Moreover, all this anger
and irritation against one’s self fosters pride, and springs entirely
from self-love, which is disturbed and fretted by its own imperfection.
What we want is a quiet, steady, firm displeasure at our own faults. A
judge gives sentence more effectually speaking deliberately and calmly
than if he be impetuous and passionate (for in the latter case he
punishes not so much the actual faults before him, but what they appear
to him to be); and so we can chasten ourselves far better by a quiet
stedfast repentance, than by eager hasty ways of penitence, which, in
fact, are proportioned not by the weight of our faults, but according
to our feelings and inclinations. Thus one man who specially aims at
purity will be intensely vexed with himself at some very trifling fault
against it, while he looks upon some gross slander of which he has been
guilty as a mere laughing matter. On the other hand, another will
torment himself painfully over some slight exaggeration, while he
altogether overlooks some serious offence against purity; and so on
with other things. All this arises solely because men do not judge
themselves by the light of reason, but under the influence of passion.

Believe me, my daughter, as a parent’s tender affectionate remonstrance
has far more weight with his child than anger and sternness, so, when
we judge our own heart guilty, if we treat it gently, rather in a
spirit of pity than anger, encouraging it to amendment, its repentance
will be much deeper and more lasting than if stirred up in vehemence
and wrath.

For instance:–Let me suppose that I am specially seeking to conquer
vanity, and yet that I have fallen conspicuously into that
sin;–instead of taking myself to task as abominable and wretched, for
breaking so many resolutions, calling myself unfit to lift up my eyes
to Heaven, as disloyal, faithless, and the like, I would deal pitifully
and quietly with myself. “Poor heart! so soon fallen again into the
snare! Well now, rise up again bravely and fall no more. Seek God’s
Mercy, hope in Him, ask Him to keep you from falling again, and begin
to tread the pathway of humility afresh. We must be more on our guard
henceforth.” Such a course will be the surest way to making a stedfast
substantial resolution against the special fault, to which should be
added any external means suitable, and the advice of one’s director. If
any one does not find this gentle dealing sufficient, let him use
sterner self-rebuke and admonition, provided only, that whatever
indignation he may rouse against himself, he finally works it all up to
a tender loving trust in God, treading in the footsteps of that great
penitent who cried out to his troubled soul: “Why art thou so vexed, O
my soul, and why art thou so disquieted within me? O put thy trust in
God, for I will yet thank Him, Which is the help of my countenance, and
my God.” [83]

So then, when you have fallen, lift up your heart in quietness,
humbling yourself deeply before God by reason of your frailty, without
marvelling that you fell;–there is no cause to marvel because weakness
is weak, or infirmity infirm. Heartily lament that you should have
offended God, and begin anew to cultivate the lacking grace, with a
very deep trust in His Mercy, and with a bold, brave heart.
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[83] Ps. xlii. 11, 15.
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