Evasive Humility

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The Lord had a prophet put His hand on my head a decade ago, and said amongst other things: “humble yourself, humble yourself , humble yourself.” Every time I think this whole humbling thing has come to a place of fulfillment I discover layers of lack within me.

I have been put in circumstances in my life that have greatly humbled me. For one God says: “no Steve your not a Priest, yes Steve I have given you some things in your life that nobody would wish upon themselves that have caused you a great deal of humiliation and pain.”

Now the next phase, coming to a place of needing those things that I felt like were my humiliation. I need and am dependent on the very things that I feel have brought me the greatest amount of personal humiliation. In fact they are the two greatest blessings in my life, outside of the revelation of Jesus Christ.

I need the wife of my youth that trapped me in a marriage that if had I known the circumstances of the promises made, I would have ran for my life. I need her, not who she was but the woman she has become. To have the gift I have to let go of the curse. The enemy God told me to love, to bear her shame, has become my greatest ally. I need the one I always looked at as a sort of penance to be born. I need her faithful love, I need her sober faith, I need her loyalty to me. I need her to be my wife. Not as duty but as a gift to me. To receive her as the gift she has become.

I need the Church, the Catholic Church that treats me like a brick in the wall, that has no place for me as a valued son. I need her guidance, even if she doesn’t love me particularly. I need her wisdom. I need the sacred service of grace that she gives away like a pantry to the poor even if she doesn’t know my name. I’m human and that is enough for her to give me the bread of life. I need her to forgive me my sins even if she doesn’t want my service. I need her truth even if she doesn’t care what I have to give or say. I am an unknown son in her gates, not even a doorman, just a silly man with a bunch of kids asking for the crumbs from the master’s table. And to my amazement I need her still.

That which have valued me the least I need the most.