It’s been over twenty years since I gave my life to Christ. I’ve told many stories about my travels toward the Kingdom. But this story at present is unfolding; it may be my greatest story as of yet. In the last few months, I have buried a son, watched a prodigal son return home with a vocation to be a Priest, and started this little blogging apostolate with friends. And in all my travels I have never encountered so much demonic affliction. God gives this initial love push to all of us to get moving. I think film is the mode but find myself typing the last few months more than anything. I don’t know where it is going but I am certain of this, Satan is not happy about it, at all.
The Devil, yeah, the Devil! I’m tired, friends, and I feel like I have not accomplished much in the way of affecting much of anything. I’ve sat these past few months and watched not God so much, as the devil circles me round and round. If I had not encountered this sort of affliction in years gone by I would think I was losing it.
“You are a false prophet.” That is a new one even for me. Sexual perversions gone wild in my sleep, they are nothing. Visions of death, torment, fear, and anxiety attacks. Strange sickness, barely being able to type lest I lose yesterday’s dinner. My first born runs right out of the gate and I literally see a demon on his face with my naked eye, my first open vision. I was hoping for heaven or the virgin, instead I see a fallen angel. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, how do you think it sounds to me? Look I’m not some quacky devil-did-it guy. I’m a bit extreme but not with my grip on reality. I’m Catholic by choice and reason because it is REASONABLE.
If I were honest, I have lost more than I have won. If the enemy and I were in a boxing ring I have lost most of the rounds, and I’m quite bloodied. A Protestant pseudo-friend compared me to one of the sons of Sceva that got beat up by the evil one, “I know Paul but who the heck are you!” He said it in mockery of me but it made me ask the question, who the heck am I! I’m nothing, I’m weak, I’m tired, I’m broken. I’m a man that has thought he is more than he is, and yes, the devil hates the Catholic Church. I have never felt so underpowered to be a son of the Kingdom that could trample on the gates of hell. I think I have bitten off more than I can chew. I think I am beginning to understand the nature of our warfare.
But as in all things, God extends a helping hand. Now I know the truth–I can do nothing! Apart from Christ I will be sifted as wheat and spit out. Satan is more powerful than my zeal, sense of courage under fire, or endurance to make a stand. What He does not have control over is my knowledge of my position.
He comes as accusation and torment about my condition, but God comes as light. “Steve you are so weak, my son, so frail. The enemy is too much for you.” Why am I filled with relief at the Lord telling me this? It is quite simple. This is where I get out of the way and let the Lord fight my battles. This is where my efforts cease and faith begins to rise. The Lord is my shepherd, the Lord is my strong tower, and the Lord is my warrior and defender in battle. I am nothing, Satan, but the Lord, He is everything. I am so small, but HE is so large. I have no strength, but my strength is in the Lord. He has prayed for me that my faith may fail not, and He will do what He has determined. For the battle belongs to the Lord. I shall not be moved, though a thousand fall before me, the Lord shall hold me firm, for I am in the hollow of His hand. For when I am weak, I am strong. When I know the weakness of my frame, I position myself to know the strength of the Lord.
May I and my small zeal get out of the way, before the Majesty of heaven and earth. For the battle belongs to the Lord.